FIC: In Which Ronon Journals, by Helen W. (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
wneleh) (Brain Storm
Dec. 3rd, 2008 07:00 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
wneleh.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
sga_episodeficTitle: In Which Ronon Journals
Author: Helen W. (wneleh)
Episode: Brain Storm (5x16)
Rating: R for sex
Category: slash
Major Characters: John/Ronon, considerations of other possibilities
Wordcount: ~1400
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc. etc.
Summary: Ronon journals about his camping trip with John.
Written for the S5 fic-an-episode challenge. All feedback welcome!
Well, here I go.
Woolsey gave me this thing for reports. I thought it was just an ordinary voice recorder, but it turns out that if I plug it into a computer and click a few icons then what's on it gets written out as English, which I can save or print out or whatever. Pretty neat.
So I thought I'd, uh, start keeping a journal again. I think it'll help me sort some stuff out.
So let me start with what I've been doing the past couple of days.
The short version is, John and I went camping on the mainland, and nobody got hurt, and nobody was kidnapped. Teyla says that we should declare a feast day in honor of this feat, pass the celebration down to our children and their children and grandchildren.
Yup, she said "Our children," like there's a future for us. And I wanted to say - okay, no, never mind, I'm getting ahead of myself here.
Camping. John. Mainland.
Okay, it was John's idea. The team is out of commission for a few weeks so that McKay can spend some personal time on Earth. A bunch of other people are gone too, since they'll be able to fit in two weeks there, then catch the Daedalus back here. Um, Jennifer Keller, and Slivery, and a half Lorne's basketball team so we'll have to give them some guys, or play half-court for a while.
So, anyway, John gets us a jumper, and off we go. Like we do all the time, but this is special - this is camping.
I don't know where we went exactly. I've spent zero time worrying about the landmasses, except for near where the Athosians have settled. Damn depressing place, their settlement - we threw it together to hold them while they were being treated, and now they're free to go anywhere, but they can't figure out where they want to go, so they've stayed put. Some are pushing to go back to where they were living when Michael took them, because the land was high quality and they'd have their own gate again, plus they wouldn't be rebuilding from scratch. But others say that planet's cursed, or holds too many bad memories. Some just don't have the heart to rebuild again; and where they're living, there's shelter and fishing and at least right now there's stuff in the forest they can eat. Plus what they get from the expedition, which they've always tried to minimize before but now its like they don't even give a damn, they're just wondering how they'll be kicked in the heads next.
So, anyway, I know their bit of the coast pretty well, but John didn't head anywhere near there. He said he'd found this part of the shore where the waves are pretty impressive, and had been waiting for the weather there to get warmer and clear up some before checking it out for surfing.
Soon as we landed, John grabbed his surfboard - that thing in his quarters I always thought was for ritual animal slaughter - and ran straight into the ocean. I won't try to describe what he did with the board out there - looked pretty silly, and I don't think that's what he was going for. But he was loving life, so I stayed ashore and let him play. He offered me a go, of course, but while I know I could haul his ass out of the water if I needed to, I'm not sure he could do the same for me. I'm just saying.
After a while, he came up and sat and we watched the waves. And I realized, if I was going to tell him, that then was as good a time as any.
"I've been thinking about Dr. Beckett, what he's been doing," I said, "And I was thinking of hooking up with him for a while. It's dangerous for him traveling by himself."
It took John a long time to respond, then he asked, "You mean, until McKay gets back?"
"Don't know," I said.
"And you really think you won't do more harm than good?" he comes back with.
"Gee, thanks, Sheppard," I said.
"It's just, you attract attention."
"I'd cut my hair, if I had to," I said. Then I tried to explain, in terms John might understand. "When you want a fight, I get you a fight. But Dr. Beckett's trying to heal people… I can do that. I can learn to do that." I said that because that's what's at the bottom of this, or one of the things. I can't fight forever. But I don't know anything else. It would take me years to be of real use on Atlantis, or on a ship, doing anything except being the muscle. And I'm no farmer, no offense to those that are, nor a shopkeeper, nor a trader.
But I notice things about people, you know? Dr. Beckett's equipment isn't that hard to understand, and I think I could get good at noticing the things the equipment doesn't tell you, that a sick person doesn't think is important enough, or proper, to bother a doctor with. Plus, I know a bit of field medicine already.
I don't know. And I don't even know if I'm going to do it. Maybe I'd just play bodyguard now and then. I don't know. I just don't.
John was quiet again for a while, then said, "You know, the one good thing - the one thing I have absolutely no regrets about - that we've done in this galaxy, is saving you."
I swallowed. "We've killed a hell of a lot of Wraith," I said.
"There's this joke that rattles around my head," said John. "It goes, 'They told me if I voted for Goldwater, we'd get bogged down in a land war in Asia. So I voted for Goldwater.'" He shrugged, and I was afraid he'd do a McKay and launch into an explanation of Earth politics, but instead he said, "What I mean is, we kill the Wraith to save lives. But the more we do, the more people die."
He stopped a second, then said, "I think McKay feels the same way. He's tired, Ronon. I don't think he can do this much longer. And I think, maybe, he's looking for a way out. And maybe that's why…" He stopped. "I wouldn't be surprised if he's not on the Daedalus when it gets back here."
"We'd go haul…" I started, then changed tactics. "Teyla's not giving up."
"No, she's not," John said. "I think - she's sacrificed too much. And I'm not stopping until she does, or until I'm dead. I never thought we wouldn't be able to count on you."
And, damn, but John was lousy at this; my little cousins could manipulate better. Still, he's pissed me off, so I say, "Regrets, Shep? I thought you just said…"
"No, no regrets," he said, then the next thing I know, we're fooling around, right there on the beach. And I'm not going to get into the details, but let's just say I don't know which of us was less experienced.
And I don't think it helped any that I'm not who he wants to be doing it with.
Afterwards, I told him as much. "Just talk to him, John," I said. "What's the worst that could happen?"
I thought sex would chill him out a little more, but he didn't say anything for a long time. Then, he came up with, "I don't want to lose him completely, I guess."
Which I guess makes sense, if you think like John.
"I can't even be mad at him for wanting a normal life," he said.
"Coupling and having kids is for farmers and shopkeepers," I told him.
"And Teyla," he said. "Do you know whether she and Kanaan are, like, a COUPLE? Or are they just together for the kid?"
"Don't know," I said. "You want to ask her?" And he threw a pebble at me.
So that's pretty much how things stand. I don't know what I want to do, and I guess there's really no need for me to rush things, though I am going to let Carson know I'm available. None of us know what Teyla's really thinking. And nobody knows which way Rodney's going to jump, or how far.
And John… Well, he'll do anything for the team, it seams, except be honest with us. Ancestors, I hope this all makes more sense when I print this out and read it.
* * * THE END * * *
All feedback welcomed, here, or to helenw@murphnet.org.
More fic at http://www.murphnet.org/fanfic
Author: Helen W. (
wneleh)Episode: Brain Storm (5x16)
Rating: R for sex
Category: slash
Major Characters: John/Ronon, considerations of other possibilities
Wordcount: ~1400
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc. etc.
Summary: Ronon journals about his camping trip with John.
Written for the S5 fic-an-episode challenge. All feedback welcome!
Well, here I go.
Woolsey gave me this thing for reports. I thought it was just an ordinary voice recorder, but it turns out that if I plug it into a computer and click a few icons then what's on it gets written out as English, which I can save or print out or whatever. Pretty neat.
So I thought I'd, uh, start keeping a journal again. I think it'll help me sort some stuff out.
So let me start with what I've been doing the past couple of days.
The short version is, John and I went camping on the mainland, and nobody got hurt, and nobody was kidnapped. Teyla says that we should declare a feast day in honor of this feat, pass the celebration down to our children and their children and grandchildren.
Yup, she said "Our children," like there's a future for us. And I wanted to say - okay, no, never mind, I'm getting ahead of myself here.
Camping. John. Mainland.
Okay, it was John's idea. The team is out of commission for a few weeks so that McKay can spend some personal time on Earth. A bunch of other people are gone too, since they'll be able to fit in two weeks there, then catch the Daedalus back here. Um, Jennifer Keller, and Slivery, and a half Lorne's basketball team so we'll have to give them some guys, or play half-court for a while.
So, anyway, John gets us a jumper, and off we go. Like we do all the time, but this is special - this is camping.
I don't know where we went exactly. I've spent zero time worrying about the landmasses, except for near where the Athosians have settled. Damn depressing place, their settlement - we threw it together to hold them while they were being treated, and now they're free to go anywhere, but they can't figure out where they want to go, so they've stayed put. Some are pushing to go back to where they were living when Michael took them, because the land was high quality and they'd have their own gate again, plus they wouldn't be rebuilding from scratch. But others say that planet's cursed, or holds too many bad memories. Some just don't have the heart to rebuild again; and where they're living, there's shelter and fishing and at least right now there's stuff in the forest they can eat. Plus what they get from the expedition, which they've always tried to minimize before but now its like they don't even give a damn, they're just wondering how they'll be kicked in the heads next.
So, anyway, I know their bit of the coast pretty well, but John didn't head anywhere near there. He said he'd found this part of the shore where the waves are pretty impressive, and had been waiting for the weather there to get warmer and clear up some before checking it out for surfing.
Soon as we landed, John grabbed his surfboard - that thing in his quarters I always thought was for ritual animal slaughter - and ran straight into the ocean. I won't try to describe what he did with the board out there - looked pretty silly, and I don't think that's what he was going for. But he was loving life, so I stayed ashore and let him play. He offered me a go, of course, but while I know I could haul his ass out of the water if I needed to, I'm not sure he could do the same for me. I'm just saying.
After a while, he came up and sat and we watched the waves. And I realized, if I was going to tell him, that then was as good a time as any.
"I've been thinking about Dr. Beckett, what he's been doing," I said, "And I was thinking of hooking up with him for a while. It's dangerous for him traveling by himself."
It took John a long time to respond, then he asked, "You mean, until McKay gets back?"
"Don't know," I said.
"And you really think you won't do more harm than good?" he comes back with.
"Gee, thanks, Sheppard," I said.
"It's just, you attract attention."
"I'd cut my hair, if I had to," I said. Then I tried to explain, in terms John might understand. "When you want a fight, I get you a fight. But Dr. Beckett's trying to heal people… I can do that. I can learn to do that." I said that because that's what's at the bottom of this, or one of the things. I can't fight forever. But I don't know anything else. It would take me years to be of real use on Atlantis, or on a ship, doing anything except being the muscle. And I'm no farmer, no offense to those that are, nor a shopkeeper, nor a trader.
But I notice things about people, you know? Dr. Beckett's equipment isn't that hard to understand, and I think I could get good at noticing the things the equipment doesn't tell you, that a sick person doesn't think is important enough, or proper, to bother a doctor with. Plus, I know a bit of field medicine already.
I don't know. And I don't even know if I'm going to do it. Maybe I'd just play bodyguard now and then. I don't know. I just don't.
John was quiet again for a while, then said, "You know, the one good thing - the one thing I have absolutely no regrets about - that we've done in this galaxy, is saving you."
I swallowed. "We've killed a hell of a lot of Wraith," I said.
"There's this joke that rattles around my head," said John. "It goes, 'They told me if I voted for Goldwater, we'd get bogged down in a land war in Asia. So I voted for Goldwater.'" He shrugged, and I was afraid he'd do a McKay and launch into an explanation of Earth politics, but instead he said, "What I mean is, we kill the Wraith to save lives. But the more we do, the more people die."
He stopped a second, then said, "I think McKay feels the same way. He's tired, Ronon. I don't think he can do this much longer. And I think, maybe, he's looking for a way out. And maybe that's why…" He stopped. "I wouldn't be surprised if he's not on the Daedalus when it gets back here."
"We'd go haul…" I started, then changed tactics. "Teyla's not giving up."
"No, she's not," John said. "I think - she's sacrificed too much. And I'm not stopping until she does, or until I'm dead. I never thought we wouldn't be able to count on you."
And, damn, but John was lousy at this; my little cousins could manipulate better. Still, he's pissed me off, so I say, "Regrets, Shep? I thought you just said…"
"No, no regrets," he said, then the next thing I know, we're fooling around, right there on the beach. And I'm not going to get into the details, but let's just say I don't know which of us was less experienced.
And I don't think it helped any that I'm not who he wants to be doing it with.
Afterwards, I told him as much. "Just talk to him, John," I said. "What's the worst that could happen?"
I thought sex would chill him out a little more, but he didn't say anything for a long time. Then, he came up with, "I don't want to lose him completely, I guess."
Which I guess makes sense, if you think like John.
"I can't even be mad at him for wanting a normal life," he said.
"Coupling and having kids is for farmers and shopkeepers," I told him.
"And Teyla," he said. "Do you know whether she and Kanaan are, like, a COUPLE? Or are they just together for the kid?"
"Don't know," I said. "You want to ask her?" And he threw a pebble at me.
So that's pretty much how things stand. I don't know what I want to do, and I guess there's really no need for me to rush things, though I am going to let Carson know I'm available. None of us know what Teyla's really thinking. And nobody knows which way Rodney's going to jump, or how far.
And John… Well, he'll do anything for the team, it seams, except be honest with us. Ancestors, I hope this all makes more sense when I print this out and read it.
* * * THE END * * *
All feedback welcomed, here, or to helenw@murphnet.org.
More fic at http://www.murphnet.org/fanfic
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-12-03 09:06 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2008-12-04 12:01 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2008-12-03 10:11 pm (UTC)From:Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-04 12:02 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2008-12-04 12:09 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2008-12-04 03:47 am (UTC)From:- Helen
no subject
Date: 2008-12-04 12:18 am (UTC)From:LOLOL! I love the wistfulness -- OH JOHN U NEED THERAPY -- and how Ronon is less fucked up than him, Runner-PTSD or no.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-04 03:46 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2008-12-04 03:45 am (UTC)From:I consider Ronon a bit stunted when it comes to expressive language, and this might have been what you were picking up on; you simply don't spend seven years not communicating meaningfully with anyone, then hang out with John for a few years, and then start producing prose for the ages. Emotionally, Ronon also is somewhat issueful, but, what with the company he keeps, it's not usually all that obvious.
- Helen
no subject
Date: 2008-12-04 04:41 am (UTC)From:I like your Ronon voice. Nice job! :)
no subject
Date: 2008-12-04 11:25 am (UTC)From:The recorder made a convenient way of getting a first person voice, something that usually has to have a justification to really work for me.
- Helen
no subject
Date: 2008-12-20 05:10 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2008-12-20 12:36 pm (UTC)From:I tossed all my angst about SGA into this piece; I wonder how much resolution we'll get? (And how much I want?)
BTW, do you have any posts where you lay out your thoughts on Teyla/Kanaan/Torren? I don't want to go squee-harshing, but I'm curious about the opinions of other moms, especially of the at least moderately crunchy variety.
- Helen
no subject
Date: 2008-12-20 05:25 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2008-12-20 05:44 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2008-12-20 07:06 pm (UTC)From:I was really happy with the resolution of Prodigal, though, and what she did--really, really happy. As a mom, I can entirely get behind that. She'd had enough of her child being menaced, damn it, and, yeah, right on. That was the Teyla we saw in, um, the ep where she was in the woods with Keller, I'm terrible at names--ruthless and able to do what needed to be done. (She's very like John, in that way, now that I think of it.) People have pointed out that there was a good chance that Michael would leave her alone, now that he has her son's DNA and can clone him, so she didn't have to kill him, but, no! He was going to CLONE HER BABY, and, even if it wasn't the baby she'd actually carried in her body, it was still her baby! That must not happen, ever! So I was very good with what she did. That was motherhood, man. That was ME kicking his fingers off the ledge.
Since then, well, hmmm... Her wagging him around while John and Rodney played with their cars pinged my own "body language" thing--the way she held him, her lack of eye contact and interaction with him, the way she seemed to view him as an object rather than as a person, as "the kid" rather than as her child--sort of impersonal. That was just an impression, and it was either colored by or fed into my other impressions of her and him, so, I don't know. It may all be me, but it's you, too, apparently, so. *shrugs*
no subject
Date: 2008-12-20 10:15 pm (UTC)From:It also makes it difficult to write Teyla... first off, it's hard to write someone if you don't know whether they're devoting a significant amount of energy to something; and also, how someone parents, how parenting is affecting them - that's IMPORTANT. Also, the Kanaan relationship - we really should know more about how that's working, and it's very strange that we don't know. (Though we also didn't know for about a year whether Rodney and Katie Brown were seeing each other... sigh, SGA.)
RE: The Prodigal - for me, Teyla's execution of Michael said more about her lack of faith in any sort of justice happening than in his threat to Torren. And from what we've seen of Atlantis security, I can't blame her! I was majorly put off by the portion of fandom that wondered why Teyla didn't just stash Torren somewhere and fight Michael - having people expect my children to have off switches is a sore point.
Teyla's body language during the car-racing scenes doesn't throw me - though she does look very uncomfortable, and if I knew her IRL I'd foist a sling on her - as much as Torren's, and that was a real baby, right? So I don't know what's wrong there. But a couple of babies are part of my life, and they're ACTUAL PEOPLE, yk? With personality.
A couple of months ago, btw, I was wondering if my Teyla-Torren dissonance came from hanging out with mostly very crunchy families, so I took the kiddos to Target one afternoon and sat in the cafe and people-watched, and everyone was more engaged with the babies they were with than Teyla. Even the women who I'm pretty sure were nannies/babysitters/grandmas.
Anyway, not sure where to go with this... I've already written a fix-it happily-ever-after for Teyla and Kanaan, and tried to impart some influence of motherhood into another story.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-21 01:30 am (UTC)From:But that's the magic of fanfic--we can decide for ourselves, where we're not given enough info in the show, and write it the way we think it ought to be. I'm uncomfortable with the canon portrayal; fic-wise, it's kind of a gift, the (male, oblivious) writers not pinning all this stuff down. You're pretty much good to go in any direction you want to take it, and no one can tell you you're wrong, just different, maybe, than their own interpretation. Which is okay.
Teyla's execution of Michael said more about her lack of faith in any sort of justice happening than in his threat to Torren
Well, both--she doesn't have enough faith that he won't somehow escape, again, and she's just DONE dealing with him. They've tried to get him over and over, been threatened by him, over and over, and she's not taking any more chances, because this is her child and it's just not acceptable. So she takes things into her own hands (or feet), because she feels she has that right--and she does--and she's not going to put this on anyone else to do--not the 'Lanteans with their fairly rigid codes and their (entirely misplaced) faith in their own competence. Her problem, her solution, the end. I like that. :)
Stashing babies when they're inconvenient--I just can't even fathom. People get arrested for that. More people should.
everyone was more engaged with the babies they were with than Teyla
Exactly, and I wonder how much of that is Rachel, herself? She's a new mom and supposedly baby-crazy, but she doesn't seem to relate much to her actor baby at all--and, yeah, Joe shows more connection, even with the puppet, than she does. So, maybe it's the actress failing to convey this attachment in a way we, as moms, can see but non-moms don't? Along with all the unexplained stuff about her relationship with Kanaan and her child care arrangements.
Sounds like you're headed in the right direction with it, though. Keep writing! :)