Fic: The Psyche of Words by neevebrody (Doppleganger)

[neevebrody.livejournal.com]

Fic
Title:  The Psyche of Words
Author:neevebrody
Episode and type of story:  Doppleganger- Episode Tag
Additional spoilers:  this episode only
Rating:  PG
Categories:  Slash
Characters/Pairing:  McKay/Sheppard (established relationship)
Warnings:  None
Word Count:  904
Summary:  "You're afraid of failure, the responsibility that comes with leadership and letting your feelings show."  Rodney smiles, seemingly quite pleased with himself and his insight.

The Psyche of Words

The light snoring rouses him; he was just dozing anyway.  He's been unable to do anything else for the past few days.

Guilt over Heightmeyer still gnaws at him.  Guilt, because it was no secret that he wasn't fond of her.  To be fair, more her profession than her personally, but then he never knew her very well at all.  Still, John can't help thinking that his feelings about her sealed her fate somehow.  A fate he'd never wished for her.

Rodney snuffles beside him and he turns towards the noise.  He thinks it ironic that the only person qualified to help his team deal with their trauma is dead.  Keller had already given Carter her top five picks for a replacement, and John wonders if whomever Carter chooses will be able to get there fast enough.

He doesn't know much about psychology or psychotherapy outside of the fact he regards it in somewhat the same way McKay regards the science of medicine.  He also doesn't believe he needs a shrink to help him work through the hidden metaphors of his own or any of the others' dreams - nightmares. 

He looks at the man sleeping next to him, the man who warms his bed.  It's no great revelation that Rodney fears failure, but from what John had been able to comprehend from his little trip into the McKay consciousness, Rodney fears failing him.  He's petrified of John seeing as weak or pathetic, and he muses that it would probably be the same even if they weren't lovers, which brings John to his own nightmare-

The other side of John Sheppard, the part of him that fails, fails his family, fails his friends, someone who lets people down, especially people that trust him, that count on him.  As usual, he refuses to look at it, refuses to pick it apart, refuses to try to see, to comprehend, because in order to so, he has to face the entity again, loathing what he sees.  So, he closes it off, compresses it, there's always room to push it back, stuff it away, further and further, until it doesn't dare show itself anymore.

Instead, he snuggles the warm body next to him, the one that makes his bed smell of Rodney and sex.  He works his chin into the crook between Rodney's neck and shoulder until he stirs.

"Hey," he says sleepily.

"Hey," John returns softly, wrapping an arm around the sturdy body.

Yawning, Rodney asks why he isn't asleep.

"I was thinking," John offers.

 "Really, what's the occasion?"  The stretch of Rodney's smile tugs against John's temple and John gives him a playful shove.

"About our combined psyches."

"Now there, is a truly scary thought," Rodney says.  "Although, you know- I think I've figured us out."  A warm hand strokes across John's thigh.

"Oh really?"

Rodney rolls over to face him, resting his palm against John's chest.  "Yeah, it's quite obvious, actually.  Well, you know- after being- in each other's- mind."

John hums, waiting for Rodney to continue.

"I'm afraid of being- appearing weak, of showing my fear, uh, especially around you.  I don't want to disappoint you or lose your respect."

"And me?"

"You're afraid of failure, the responsibility that comes with leadership and letting your feelings show."  Rodney smiles, seemingly quite pleased with himself and his insight.

"Is that right?" John asks.

"Yup."

John debates the pros and cons of telling Rodney he doubts he could ever actually disappoint him, or that sometimes he thinks Rodney's even stronger than Ronon, figuratively speaking of course.  No, that probably wouldn't do - dangerous ammunition for an already overblown ego.

Instead, John elects to reveal something to Rodney.  "I admire- I envy the way you're able to show your feelings."

Rodney hitches up on his elbow and stares at John for a moment.  "You show your feelings- I mean you're not overly demonstrative, except maybe here," Rodney smiles and pats the mattress.  "You don't say the words, but you show me in your own way."

John pauses, then-

"But you deserve the words, Rodney.  I'm just not sure I can-"

"I don't need the words," Rodney says, his mouth twisting into a grin.  He runs his hand along John's body.  "I've got you- you're the words personified." 

John closes his eyes at the warmth of Rodney's palm.  "Everything you do shows me," John says, and when he opens his eyes, Rodney's gaze holds him.

"You deserve the words, too, and more than me I think," Rodney says softly.  John watches his eyes darken, he knows that look so well.

Suddenly there's too little air in the room.  A hidden hand twists John's stomach.  He's aware of his heartbeat and unable to comprehend his own anticipation.

Rodney lets his hand drift into John's hair, down to the back of his neck.  Leaning forward, he pulls John into a kiss - a kiss that telegraphs the words even before Rodney says them-

"I love you."

John gulps for air, looks up into deep blue eyes - eyes that don't expect reciprocation, eyes that aren't waiting for him to say the words.

Something breaks open and warmth floods his veins.  He kisses Rodney again, throwing a leg over his hip, dragging him closer.  He just wants to feel him, just wants Rodney's skin next to his.

"Rodney," he whispers between kisses.

"I know," Rodney whispers back.
 

Comments

[thrace-adams.livejournal.com]

Oh wow...just wow!

[neevebrody.livejournal.com]

Thank you, so glad you enjoyed it.

[nuetronorange.livejournal.com]

Lovely, the anticipation of John just before Rodney says he loves him...perfect and the end wonderful! Thanks.

[neevebrody.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, I'm glad you enjoyed this. I think John wants to say the words - he just can't.

[psyko-kittie.livejournal.com]

Beautiful.

[neevebrody.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[rasah.livejournal.com]

Wow. Lovely. Lovely. can't think of a better word ;D

[imisspadfoot21.livejournal.com]

Wow! This sort of kills me.

I love that they don't need words to communicate with each other. Lovely tag!

Thank you!!